My dad died a few years ago. The week after his death is a complete blur to me. Somehow, we arranged for his cremation and put together a memorial service at a Jewish funeral home near his house.

I have no idea how all of these arrangements were made. I was useless in my grief.

Someone had the clarity of mind to make all these arrangements; I think it must have been my step-mom, Amy.

I imagine that making decisions for her in those few days was extremely difficult, if not impossible.

And there’s no way to know if we were making smart decisions.

Did we pay too much for the service? The flowers? Did we have options we didn’t consider or did we just go with the “traditional” because we couldn’t think beyond that?

Yesterday, I interviewed Pam Vetter who is an end of life celebrant and she opened my eyes to so many things I know we didn’t think about at my dad’s death.

Pam works with families to create a personalized end of life celebrations. Even more than that though, she guides families through the decisions about how to handle after-death arrangements so you know you are making smart choices, not getting taken advantage of during a time of grief, and can focus on healing.

Pam came to this work after her sister’s death. Her family wanted to create a personal memorial service for her sister, but the church pastor wouldn’t allow it and her family’s healing was disrupted by the cold, non-personal service. Pam got trained as a celebrant so she could make sure no other family faced the uncertainty, pain and bewilderment her family did after her sister’s death.

You can hear my interview with Pam on our Family Wealth Health and Happiness call if you are a Personal Family Lawyer Family Wealth VIP Membership client. You’ll be receiving the CD in the mail in January.

You can reach Pam on the web or by calling (818) 313-9009. Whenever you experience the death of a loved one, I recommend you call Pam Vetter or a local celebrant in your area before calling anyone else.

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It’s the end of the year and if you aren’t thinking about giving, you should be. And not just because it feels good to your heart, but because it will feel good to your pocket next April when you go to file your taxes.

This week and next week, I’m going to give you an overview of a few things you should be thinking about when it comes to giving.

Giving can come in two forms – giving to your loved ones and giving to charity.

Giving to your loved ones may not have meaningful income tax benefits, but it can have substantial estate tax benefits. Estate tax is the tax paid by your loved ones at your death if your estate is more than the amount allowed by the government, currently $2,000,000 in 2007. And, when you are adding up your estate, don’t forget to include your life insurance!

People are always surprised to hear that life insurance is subject to tax when they die because they’ve heard it’s tax free. And, it is INCOME tax free. It’s not ESTATE tax free.

Giving to charity has both income and estate tax benefits.

Income tax benefits because come tax time you get to subtract from your income any gifts you make to qualified charities and estate tax benefits because gifts you make decrease the size of your estate.

So, if you’ve got more than $2,000,000 and you are not married or more than $4,000,000 and you are married (assuming you’ve got your estate plan set up right), you want to start thinking about giving assets away to decrease the size of your estate.

It’s not too late to be thinking about it for 2007. But, you’ve got to hurry.

If you’ve got money that will be taxed at your death, it’s a whole lot better for your overall family wealth if you start passing it down while you are living.

You can give away $1mm during your lifetime to your loved ones. Anything you give over that is taxed at 45%. BUT, the government lets you give away $12,000 per year to as many people as you want and it doesn’t count against the $1mm you can give away during life.

So, what does all of this mean for you? Well, if you’ve got more than $2,000,000 in assets, here’s what you should be doing:

1. Give $12,000 per year to as many of your loved ones as you want. There’s no tax to pay on this gift. The more you can pass down to lower generations, the greater your family wealth. However, you do not want to give your kids $12,000 and just put it into a custodial account. That can be a bad idea because your kids will get access to the money in their custodial accounts at 18 or maybe 21 … they won’t be ready and neither will you.

We had some clients who did better than they thought they would on some investments they had put in a custodial account for their kid and they ended up with $500,000 in their kid’s account when he turned 18 … not good!

You want to give this $12,000 in a protected trust your kids don’t control until they (and you) are ready and you want to make sure it stays protected from potential future divorces or lawsuits. Call your Personal Family Lawyer and ask about a Family Wealth Passage Trust for your kids OR talk to your parents about setting one up for you.

2. Give as much as you can to charity. For each dollar you give to charity, you can deduct that dollar from your taxable income in April 2008 and it decreases the size of your estate. You cannot deduct donations greater than 50% of your 2007 income. If you are over 70 ½, you do have an opportunity to donate up to $100,000 from your IRA without this income limitation. Contact your Personal Family Lawyer for more information.

If you are in a position to make substantial gifts to charity each year (more than $100,000) and you want to retain control of the money you are giving, want to involve your children in giving or just want to manage your giving better, you will want to establish a private foundation. It’s not too late to do this for 2007, but again, you’ve got to move very fast and expect to pay some rush fees. Again, contact your Personal Family Lawyer to get moving on this one.

If you are looking for some great charities to support this year, click on the links below to give to two of my favorites. I’ll match all donations made up to a total of $2,500 on each site. So please give!

I’m raising $10,000 to restock a Los Angeles school with books through the Wonder of Reading program.

I’m raising $15,000 to build a school in Nepal that will educate hundreds of children through a Room to Read.

Together, we can leave the world a better place.

Love and Gratitude,

Alexis

My kitty Ellie was hit by a car last weekend; she died instantly.

I found out when a neighbor came into my house to let me know there was a cat in my driveway. When I went outside, there was Ellie, laying on her side. She looked like she was sleeping, but she was gone.

I was devastated.

And then I had to tell my kids and decide whether they should see her.

I decided that they should have a chance to say goodbye and I carried her in my arms to where they were playing.

When I was a kid, our dog died. I don’t remember my parents helping me to process the grief at all. What I do remember is that, like my kids, I didn’t express sadness immediately. I didn’t really know what to say.

My parents took that to mean I didn’t care and said words that led me to believe there was something wrong with me for 1) not noticing our dog was gone earlier and 2) not feeling immediate sadness that he was gone.

Looking back now, I realize this was just one case where my parents had a lot of thoughts about the ways I “should” feel about things.

That made it difficult for me later in life to discern how I did feel v. how I should feel.

And, I’m sure it contributed to the fact that even now I have a difficult time expressing my feelings with my mom.

When my kids saw me carrying Ellie and I told them what happened, they didn’t really seem that upset. They had a friend over and wanted to keep playing. They comforted me momentarily and then returned to their game. (side note: their friend’s dad was over when the whole thing happened and was fine with me telling my kids while he was there).

Had I judged their reactions in the moment, I would have done just what my parents did and made them feel as if there was something wrong with them for not feeling sadness or acting more sad that Ellie was gone. All that would have done is made them feel bad and made it very unlikely they would feel safe expressing their sadness later.

I didn’t comment at all on their feelings. I just let them know I was sad and let them keep playing.

Later on in the evening, when their friend had left, Kaia and Noah started asking a lot of questions about Ellie and I asked them to each share what they loved about Ellie the most. It was then that the tears fell for both of them.

By giving them their own time and space to process Ellie’s death, I gave my kids the dignity and respect of dealing with their feelings in their own way and in their own time. Sometimes that’s hard to do because we have expectations of “the way things should be” in the moment. But if we can take a step back and allow every person to have his or her own experience and accept that expression exactly as it is, our own ability to be authentic in the moment will grow stronger.

Ohhhhh, yes. I definitely ate too much.

We did Thanksgiving the right way this year at my house. Well, not really my house. Actually, the condo in Miami Beach I rented with my sister and her boyfriend, Aaron.

Yep, boyfriend. There they are right there.

He’s the first guy she has willingly introduced to the family, so you know it’s serious. And, family he got . . . we’re in Miami with my mom, stepmom, grandma, and my stepmom’s parents and sister.

That’s a whole lot of women! He held his own very well.

And, for all you girls who have secretly started to believe you should just settle for the next okay guy because that’s all that’s out there - Aaron is proof that it’s worth it to hold out! Don’t settle for someone you know isn’t Mr. Right; someone you are secretly hoping will grow up or change in some way.

Instead, focus your energy on becoming a secure and confident woman. And, like Courtney, you can find your secure and confident man. We attract what we are.

Anyway, back to Thanksgiving.

We did it the easy way this year; my mom ordered in and we re-heated. It was perfect! Everything was so tasty and my Nan didn’t have to slave away in the kitchen all day.

And, I got a few minutes to browse a few of my favorite blogs. I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this whole gratitude thing all day.

I know it’s the key to happiness. The more grateful and appreciative I am, the better I feel. And, yet, I struggle with it immensely.

The little version of me is convinced that if I express too much gratitude for something or someone, it will be taken away. Of course, just the opposite is true. But, try telling that to the undisciplined 13-year old that lives in my head. She’s impatient, bitter and ungracious.

So, I was totally stoked to come across Tim Ferris’ blog post about the 21-Day no-complaint solution. It’s just what I need to train “little Alexis”into a state of gratitude, or at the very least become aware when she’s taken over my thoughts.

When I spoke at the Aon women’s networking meeting a few weeks ago, Denise Berger, Managing Director and WIN Global Chair, gave me a beautiful energy muse bracelet I’ve been wearing ever since. I’m going to use this bracelet as my no-complaint bracelet. It’s perfect. Thanks Denise!

Anybody want to join me in the 21-Day No-Complaint Solution? If so, let me know by leaving a comment.

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Last week, we talked about when to start talking to your kids about money.

I suggested you start at the age of 7.

If your kids are older than that, start today!

And, you don’t just want to start talking about it, but you want to take action with them.

Have a plan for the next time your child receives money. Instead of just letting them put it in their wallet and spend it on whatever (or lose it!), plan to introduce the idea of invest/spend/give.

There are many methods of this, so choose one that is easy for you to remember. The key is that you want your kids to begin to experience the core values you want to pass on.

I’ll illustrate using my core values and you can apply these principles to your core values. One of my core values is that money is an energy that must be circulated to create more.

When my daughter receives any money from anyone she must divide the money she receives into 3 shares - spend, give and invest (save).

The only rule I have is that spend and give are equal and invest gets the rest and that she can’t invest all of it.

Then, with regard to the part that goes into invest, part of it gets invested for something long term, like college, and part of it gets invested for something short term, like a $100 American Girl doll.

And, unless she is saving for something specific, she has to do something with the short term investment $$ when it gets to be around $100. I don’t want her just saving for the sake of hoarding her money as I don’t believe in that.

So, first determine the core money values you want to pass on to your child.

Then, come up with some rule start to apply next time your child receives a gift or earns some money.

And, as you are laying out the rules, explain the core value you are teaching in as simple terms as possible.

Have fun!

© 2007 Alexis Martin

WANT TO SEE MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS ONE?
See Alexis’ www.FamilyWealthMatters.com.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include everything in quotes with it: “Written by Alexis Martin, mom, writer, speaker and Personal Family Lawyer. Alexis makes it super easy for your family to talk about and plan for sticky subjects like money, death and taxes. Get Alexis’ humorous, enlightening, and often quite revealing “Family Wealth Secrets” at: www.FamilyWealthMatters.com”

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As you might recall, I was invited to the Mike and Juliet Show to discuss the case of breastfeeding mom, Sophie Currier, who asked for extra break time so she could pump breastmilk for her daughter during her medical board exams.

Thanks for making it okay to ask Sophie!

© 2007 Alexis Martin Neely

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include everything in quotes with it: “Written by Alexis Neely, mom, writer, speaker and Personal Family Lawyer. Alexis makes it super easy for your family to talk about and plan for sticky subjects like money, death and taxes. Get Alexis’ humorous, enlightening, and often quite revealing “Family Wealth Secrets” at: www.FamilyWealthMatters.com“

I wanted to ask you a quick question because I might have a chance to be called on as a legal expert on one of those TV talk shows.

I haven’t made up my mind yet about the issue and would appreciate your input.

Here’s what I know:

Mary Winkler killed her husband. She claims, and a jury believes, he abused her.

They might have been fighting about finances before she killed him. Mary was ripped off in one of those Nigerian check scams you see in your email.

Mary served the sentence handed down by the Court. Mary is now seeking custody of her three girls, ages 9, 7 & 2.

Do you know any facts that would help me take a position here?

Any strong opinions you believe could influence my thinking?

If so, please share what you know or think on my blog at http://www.familywealthmatters.com.

If you’ve never posted on a blog before, just click on the link and go to the post titled “Should Mary Winkler Have Custody.”

Then, scroll down to the bottom of the post and click on comments.

Let me know your thoughts.

Thanks, Alexis

PS - Avoid getting scammed like Mary did by the Nigerian check scam by talking to your Personal Family Lawyer before any business/money transaction involving more money than you could stand to lose.

Don’t have one? http://www.personalfamilylawyer.com

PPS - please post any comments you were going to email me on the blog so you can make sure I see it. My assistants are now getting overloaded checking my email and have begged me to use the blog for discussion.

PPPS - new look coming tomorrow!

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This Thursday I am unveiling a whole new look for the Family Wealth Secrets e-newsletter.

I think you’re going to like it a lot!

I couldn’t wait until then though to tell you about the Priceless Conversation I had this weekend.

If you haven’t seen us in a while, you might not know what a Priceless Conversation is, so I’ll fill you in.

After we finalize your estate plan, we invite you in for a Priceless Conversation, during which we capture and record “who you are and what’s important to you.”

Sounds interesting, huh?

Well, I just did my interview about how I would want my kids raised if anything happened to me.

I feel so good knowing that if something did happen, my kids would know how I feel about them and the things I’d want to tell them when they are older, but wouldn’t be able to if I’m not here.

What I really love is that we can listen to it together on their 18th birthday and see how far we’ve come.

I can’t wait.

And, it helped me clarify the life lessons I want to pass on to them before they are so absorbed in their friends that they don’t want me around.

If you are a client and have not had your Priceless Conversation, we’ll be having one at your 3-year plan review.

If you’d like to do one before that, please call the office or email susan@martinneely.com

There’s no charge for clients.

See you Thursday with the whole new look!

Alexis

PS - we’re giving away a free Kids Protection Planning Kit worth $397 to every family who attends my workshop on Saturday, Sep. 15 to learn how to make sure their kids and loved ones would have as easy a time of it as possible if anything happened to them.

Register at www.helpmealexis.com for Saturday in Manhattan Beach, CA.

Look for an event near you at www.familywealthmatters.com for your local event.

I can’t believe it, but 74% of U.S. parents don’t even have a Will to provide for the care of their children if they died today.

And, of those who do have a Will, most of their kids would still spend some time in foster care if their parents couldn’t care for them because a Will just doesn’t cut it.

But, it doesn’t have to be this way.

If you’ve been wondering what you need to do to get everything squared away for your kids and family if anything happened to you, come to MB on Saturday the 15th and I’ll fill you in.

On Saturday, September 15 at 3p in Manhattan Beach, CA* I’ll show you:

* how easy it is to make sure your kids would never be taken out of your home or raised by anyone you wouldn’t want … if you take action.

* how you can make sure the money you’ve been saving to leave your kids never falls into the wrong hands … and is available to care for your kids immediately.

* how to give your family the gift of knowing everything has been taken care of if anything happens to you.

All you have to do is register for my workshop

“7 Little-Known Steps You MUST Take To Protect Your Minor Children In Today’s Crazy World”

And, as my gift to you for attending, you will receive a F*R*E*E Kids Protection Planning Kit to guide you through the legal forms necessary to keep your kids safe and secure. This Kit sells for $397, but is my gift to you for attending.

Register at http://www.helpmealexis.com

I hope to see you there.

Much love,

Alexis

PS - If together, both parents should attend on Saturday, September 15 at 3p and to make that possible, we are providing childcare on a limited basis. So register quickly.

www.helpmealexis.com

*PPS - if you live outside Southern California or have friends who do, send them to www.FamilyWealthMatters.com to find a local event in their community.

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After spending the week at the Ananda family camp, my mind has been racing with thoughts about the meaning of life.

This week I am beginning a series of columns that will give you the secret to developing your family’s Intellectual, Spiritual and Human (I.S.H) Assets.

Why is this important?

Because I.S.H assets are maximized when you are living a life of passion, purpose and prosperity.

You see, the three go hand in hand.

If you aren’t passionate about what you do and living your life on purpose, you aren’t going to be truly prosperous no matter how much money you have.

It will NEVER be enough.

I know that’s not the fate you want for you or your children.

You’ve told me you want your kids to be fulfilled and happy. What you truly want are kids who will carry on and multiply your whole family wealth (including the I.S.H assets, which make up the vast majority of your family wealth) after you are gone.

What does “fulfilled and happy” really mean though? How is it measured? And, who decides if someone is fulfilled and happy? (more…)