Last week I wrote about how to save your relationship and as promised, this week - if you just can’t save the relationship (or don’t want to) - how to divorce in the best way possible.

The number one best piece of advice I can give you is to get your divorce over with as quickly and easily as possible. These are words that are much easier said than done, so let me give you some information that can actually help you do this.

1. Try not to use a lawyer.

Now this may sound awfully strange coming from a lawyer, but the truth of the matter is that traditional lawyers are incentivized by their hourly fees to keep your divorce going much longer than it has to and that’s not in your best interest. As an alternative, consider mediation services such as Peace Talks, http://www.peace-talks.com/, or if you are going to use a lawyer, consider using a collaborative lawyer - you can find one at http://www.abetterdivorce.com. Best of all - resolve as much as you can yourself and then use a lawyer just to document the agreement you reached together.

2. Let go of the things you think are important to you.

One of the most difficult parts of my divorce was making the decision to move out of my house. My house was the perfect house for me and I really didn’t want to move out, but I knew if I stayed and fought, it would create a lot of pain for everyone. And, when I really considered what was more important - the house or my freedom - I chose to let go of the house (and everything in it), even though it felt really difficult at the time. All of the “things” were easily replaceable. The relationship with my ex-husband and kids could have been irrevocably damaged had I decided to stay and fight.

One friend of mine, a former Microsoft employee who had made oodles of money while working at Microsoft, gave it all to his wife during their divorce, trusting in himself that if he made it once, he could make it all again. He says it was one of the best decisions he ever made.

3. Don’t take anything personally.

Whether you are the one who wants the divorce or not, it’s going to be painful. There’s just no way around it - separation hurts. Try not to take anything that the other person says personally. It’s not about you; what you are witnessing is their pain. The more you take things personally, the more you will stay embroiled in the fight. If you can let go of everything your soon to be -ex says, you will be much more able to reach a resolution and move on. Do everything you can to appreciate the person you are separating from. Trust me, I know it’s hard, but it’s worth it.

Each of the three steps I’ve talked about are really hard work. So, why do it? Because it’s much easier than a long drawn out fight that could cost you your relationships with your children, your -ex, and even yourself. For me, once my divorce was final, my creativity and my joy exploded. It was as if some part of me was holding back it’s full potential until I was free of my old relationship. Think about the cost of fighting - not only the cost of lawyers and forensic accounts (which are substantial!), but also the mental costs. I can assure you, that whatever you are fighting about - it’s probably not worth it. Let it go and get on with your life.

Dedicated to Your Family’s Well-Being,

Alexis

P.S. We have two new folks at Martin Neely & Associates that you’ll want to say hi to next time you stop in the office. Jill Ganger is our new office manager who comes to us with an IT and Management background and she is going to help us create new systems and processes that will make the firm run even better and Elaine Williams is our new paralegal coming to us with years and years of trusts and estates experience and a great attitude, we are so glad she’s here.

As you probably know, I recently finalized my divorce. Out of my four closest friends, two of them just finished their divorces; the third is just starting the process, and the fourth - seriously considering it. Is it contagious?

I remember when I got into my late 20s, there was a time period where it felt as if I was getting a wedding invitation every week! Well, the tide has turned and I’ve hit the age where many people I know are either getting divorced or considering divorce. I guess it only makes sense considering that the national divorce rate is about 50% and here in California it’s a whopping 60-75%!! That’s a huge number.

Three other friends that I am less close with have recently turned to me for advice about their relationships and possible divorce. From the outside, looking into these relationships, I would never have guessed that divorce was being discussed at home. Maybe it’s happening in your house (or business) too and you aren’t sure what to do - if so, I hope this message will be of help to you during what I know is a difficult and confusing time.

So, here are some tips to help you keep your personal and business relationships intact:

1. Take personal responsibility for everything that is happening in your relationship, but don’t blame yourself for not being able to make it work.
2. Do not blame your partner for the lack of passion, lack of connection, lack of communication or lack of whatever you perceive as lacking. Focus on how you can bring more of what you want into your life and into your relationship.
3. Use this time as an opportunity to identify where you can improve yourself by releasing old judgments you’ve held about yourself or old behaviors that have you stuck in patterns that lead to unhappiness. Even if it doesn’t save this relationship, it will prepare you to have the best divorce possible and for your new life afterwards.

If this message was just what you needed, I know how confusing things are for you right now - I’ve been there! And, I can promise you that as soon as you stop resisting what is happening and start taking some of the actions I described above, the answers about what to do will naturally come to you.

Next week, I’ll follow up with everything you must know and do if you’ve decided it’s just not going to work and divorce is the best possible option.

Dedicated to Your Family’s Well-Being,

Alexis

PS – One of the best books I read when I was trying desperately to save my marriage was Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships - David Schnarch. You can get your own copy right here: Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships It’s a must read for anyone in a committed relationship, not just marriage.

Last week was one of those weeks. You know what I mean, right? Everything just seems like it was going wrong, taking longer than it should, or otherwise not cooperating.

For example, I was driving down Ardmore, passing 8th Street in Hermosa Beach on my way to my new home. I stopped at the stop sign, saw no cars and proceeded through. Seconds later, I thought my life as I knew it was over when I heard a huge collision, felt my car shake and saw something fly through the air. I thought I had somehow hit someone on their bike and not noticed. I thought I had killed someone! My heart literally stopped. I got out of the car shaking and crying to find a man standing there on his bike, shaking his head, apologizing profusely.

It turns out, he had been biking down the hill on 8th Street, lost control of his brakes and ran into the side of my car – my car was t-boned by a man on his bicycle! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. By some miracle, he wasn’t hurt. My car on the other hand, well, it’s not pretty.

This is one of those accidents that can happen to any of us at any time. It reminds me how important asset protection, starting with excellent insurance, is. Andrew’s homeowner’s insurance is going to cover the damage to my car. I shudder to think about Andrew’s potential liability had he hit someone who would take advantage of the situation and claim excessive medical bills and sue him for everything. Or worse yet, if Andrew had claimed I was at fault somehow. This is one of those times it would be difficult to prove who was at a fault and I could be getting sued for everything I have.

And, that’s just one of the things that happened last week.

When I called my business coach and good friend, Dave D. and mentioned all that had happened during the week, he shared with me a great way to relieve stress, remain focused, and love my life. I encourage you to take 3 minutes out of your hectic day right now and do the same.

1. Close your eyes and take 3 full deep breaths. Inhale completely and exhale completely.
2. For the next minute just focus on your breathing, nothing else. When any thoughts enter your mind, let them simply drift away and dissolve like clouds.
3. For the next minute, think about everything you are grateful for in your life.
4. For the last minute, visualize your life exactly as you want it. Feel that it has already happened. See it as if has already occurred.
5. Take another deep, deep breath, slowly release it and then open your eyes and smile.

Enjoy! Until next week, I remain…

Dedicated to Your Family’s Well-being,

Alexis

PS. Watch your mail this week for a letter from us with all the information you’ve been waiting for about our new Inner Circle membership programs. I’ve created these programs just for you based on the feedback I’ve been getting about your ongoing legal needs. To get a sneak preview, go to www.mnainnercircle.com.

Alexis here for our first Q&A – thank you to all of you who have sent in questions. Today I only have time to answer two. Keep sending your questions and I will do my best to answer all of them here in this newsletter. If you want me to not identify you by name at all, let me know that too and I’ll keep your question anonymous.

Q from Melinda B (Manhattan Beach, CA).: My mom wants to put my name on the title to her house and her bank accounts so that if something happens to her I can take care of everything easily. Is this a good idea?

A: Absolutely not! In fact, if your mom puts your name on her accounts and her house you could both regret this decision later on. A client of mine had a bank account that she had put her granddaughter’s name on for similar reasons and the granddaughter was sued by a business creditor for failing to pay out her lease on a piece of business equipment and the creditor won a judgment and satisfied it by removing $43,000 from my client’s bank account, which they were able to do because granddaughter’s name was on the account. Not good. Luckily, I’m working with grandma now and costly decisions such as that will be avoided in the future.

Q from Sam F.(Palos Verdes, CA): My parents have taken care of everything and put their assets in a trust; I really don’t know exactly what I’ll inherit when they die, but it could be a few hundred thousand dollars or more. Is there anything I have to do now to my own trust to prepare for that?

A: Hi Sam. There is nothing you need to do to your own trust, but you should absolutely talk with them to find out HOW they are leaving you your inheritance. The issue isn’t how much, so you can tell them you don’t expect to receive anything and hope they spend it all, but that if you do receive anything, the whole family would benefit if you received it in a lifetime asset protection trust. This means that you could control what you receive from your parents, but that you wouldn’t own it, so if you get sued or divorced, it can’t be taken away. That’s a good thing! And, when you die, it won’t EVER be subject to estate tax. Not even if you take it and grow it to $10,000,000. Now, that’s really good! So talk to your mom and tell her to talk with a Personal Family Lawyer as soon as possible and get that changed.

That’s all I have time for today folks. I’ll answer some more questions in a couple weeks. Send em’ in.

Always dedicated to your family’s well-being,

Alexis

PS – If you are a client of Martin Neely & Associates, you should be getting your letter about our new Inner Circle Membership programs in about 10 days. In this letter, you’ll learn all about how you can get a free estate checkup for your parents.

I’m sitting in Atlanta (yes, I was away again!) at a vegetarian Chinese restaurant. Have you eaten at one of these places yet? I’m eating the best lamb you’ve ever tasted. It’s really cool - the menu looks just like a real Chinese food menu, but all the meats are fake. If you haven’t tried one of these places - do! I don’t even like lamb, but I LOVE fake lamb.

I was so excited for my flight to Atlanta. 4 and a half peaceful hours with no children, no phone, no email. Can’t you just picture how nice it was going to be? It’s sad when you start looking forward to a long flight, isn’t it? I was going to read, listen to my iPod, catch up on some work and relax.

But, it didn’t happen. I was sitting next to a man who talked to me for the entire plane ride. Normally, I would have said “Excuse me, I’m going to put on my headphones and read.” But, this guy was so passionate about what he did (and it was pretty interesting) that I just couldn’t tell him to go away. And, if what he was telling me was true, he’s going to be on the cover of Time Magazine in the next couple of years as the man who saved the world.

Rob Brinson is the founder of IntelliScience and he has invented a software program that detects everything from cancer before it’s detectable by anything else to explosives going through airport x-rays to that perfect item you were searching the web for. What he was telling me was both fascinating and frightening. His software program could eradicate drugs in our communities and the transport of people across the borders. But, it does require a fairly big infringement on our personal privacy for it to work. Keep an eye on IntelliScience.

Rob helped me to expand my own personal vision for my business and my life. By sharing his personal vision with me and his dedication to pursue it even when he lost many of his friends and had many people telling him he could never do what he was doing, he kept going. And, now, he is going to change the world.

How can your personal vision expand? Are you ready to think bigger about your business and your life? If so, let me know how I can help.