They say it takes a village to raise a child. In my case, it takes the support of a harem, or so it seems.

When I was married, my husband and I bickered incessantly about whose turn it was to take care of the kids. We were in constant battle for “alone time.” Or so it seemed.

My husband was certain that if I wasn’t working, it was my time to be with the kids because he had been with them all day.

My position was, “hey, you’re the stay at home dad, that means you get them ready for bed while I respond to email.”

I imagine this battle goes on in many households with little children who have lots of needs and parents who either don’t want to spend the money for childcare, feel too guilty to have extra help, or think they should be able to do it all by themselves.

We were in all three of these categories.

I was making the money and thought (wrongly, I might add) that if hubby was staying home with the kids that meant we didn’t need childcare. It felt like I’d be paying twice and I was so unhappy at my job that I didn’t want to do anything that would increase our expenses and at the same time the pressure of the golden handcuffs.

And, I felt so much guilt being away from my kids everyday while I went to work that I couldn’t imagine putting them in a sitter’s care in the evenings or on the weekends too! Dear husband didn’t do much to alleviate that guilt at all and I regularly accused him of perpetuating it so that he could get some more “alone time” – our currency of trade in the house. Of course, his apparent disapproval was mostly a reflection of my own internal harping, but that didn’t make it any less meaningful at the time.

I felt as if I was getting constant messages that said “Alexis, you SHOULD be able to do this without anymore help. What’s wrong with you?”

Should or shouldn’t, guilt or no guilt, the truth of the matter was, I needed help! For the first several years though, I refused to get it and chose bitterness and resentment instead.

Ultimately, that festered into a divorce on one hand and a reunion on the other.

I divorced my dear husband, but I found my Truth in the doing.

That’s a big statement, I know.  Yet, it’s true.

I won’t bore you now with the details of my spiritual journey; that we’ll save for another time. Suffice it to say that I found the humility to realize I couldn’t do it all alone. I needed a whole heckuva lot of help if I was going to be the kind of mommy I wanted to be and run successful businesses.

Over the past three years, I have learned to know myself, accept myself and love myself.  Most of the time.

The Truth of the matter is that I am an entrepreneur and I love it; it’s my art. If I wasn’t doing it, I’d again become that bitter, dry, overweight woman I became when I tried to deny who and what I was.

I was in a constant battle with who I was and who I thought I should be.

When I was with my kids, I felt guilty that I wasn’t getting my work done. When I was working, I felt guilty I wasn’t with my kids. A never ending cycle, I’m sure you’re familiar with and if you aren’t ask any Stay at Work Mom. (I first heard the term “Stay at Work Mom” from my comrade in overcoming guilt, Denise Berger, a mom of 2 kids with a high powered job as the the Global Chair of the Aon Corporation’s Women’s International Network – fancy name for their work/life balance expert.)

It was a vicious, never-ending cycle and I was never good enough.

But then one day I woke up and realized I was good enough and I deserved all good in my life and that I had to accept myself to get that all good coming into my life.

Ok, truth be told, I didn’t just wake up one day and realize that, it came painfully and with many ups and downs, bumps and bruises, tears, retreats, and reading just about every spiritual book I could get my hands on.

But after all that, thanks to the hard work I did and hearing the right words at the right time, I realized I deserved help!

Today, I’ve got a harem of women helping me raise my kids (and a couple of great guys as well). Well, I always said everyone should have a wife; who knew I’d need so many?

So, what does it really take to keep my ship afloat?

My kids are with me every other week. On the week they are with me, Lourdes comes three days. I love Lourdes. She takes great care of me, even sewing my clothes when I rip the seam on something or pop a button. I tried 7 housekeepers before I found Lourdes, but she was worth the search.

I have two babysitters during the week because they are both in school and Anna, our first babysitter, wanted to work less than I needed someone. But, she and Noah have such a great bond that we both wanted her to see the kids at least one of the days when they are with me, so she goes to our parent participation Co-Op with him on my work day. She’s even going to make his graduation book for me. Stuff like that stressed me out to the max and I’m so relieved she’s taking care of it.

Chelsey comes the other 4 days and I’ve got so much trust and faith in her that during the work day I can focus just on my businesses and know the kids are well taken care of, loved, having a good time and getting where they need to go.

In 2 weeks, Jodi’s moving in and she’s going to do all the grocery shopping, organizing, cooking, and other domestic stuff that doesn’t happen with just me at home. Jodi and I met through a website called Co-Abode, where single moms looking for roommates connect. Jodi has a 9-month old baby who is cute as a button and I’ve got a huge house with an extra bedroom. Jodi loves to cook and do homemaker stuff and I love to work on my business. A wife without the sexual duties!

Why am I telling you all this? Because it all changed for me when I heard another Stay at Work Mom talk about the nearly full household staff that kept her home running and instead of feeling judgment, I felt this deep awareness that she deserved it and so did I.

If I can inspire one of you reading this to recognize that you deserve support and that it’s okay to ask for help and keep asking until you get what you need (even if other people seem to judge you for it), my disclosure was worth it.

This article was inspired by Penelope Trunk, The Brazen Careerist, who wrote today about post partum depression so openly and it occurred to me that I had a multi-year post-partum depression and when I really stopped to think about it, I realized it wasn’t post-partum depression it was that having my children caused me so much self judgment that I had no choice but to let go of all of it and totally accept myself as I was lest I drive myself insane.

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I’ve been giving the issue of co-parenting, custody and the “best interest of the kids” a lot of thought recently.

I know so many people who kick themselves for having had children with the father or mother of their children.

I haven’t yet met someone who is a single parent by choice (as opposed to widowed) and is co-parenting with their “baby-daddy” or “baby-mama” who hasn’t at least once entertained the thought of “Oh my God, how could I actually have had children with this human being!?! My children are doomed!”

Truthfully, I don’t think I’ve met a couple who is still together and hasn’t thought that at least once! These feelings are obviously much stronger and more frequent when you are no longer in a loving partnership.

It becomes very difficult during such times to know what’s in the best interest of your kids.

Here’s what I return to … though honestly sometimes it can take a while to get back to this kind of thinking if I’m really riled up.

1. So long as my kids are physically safe, it is in their best interest to have a great relationship with their dad.

2. It is my job to empower my kids to deal with anything that comes their way in life and to look within themselves for their values.

3. I trust that inherently my kids know what feels right and what doesn’t and if I give them the tools to connect with their own internal barometer of rightness, they can adapt to all situations and events and learn from every experience - even those experiences I’d rather they didn’t have.

So, what can you do in those moments when you are cursing the day you decided to have kids with your “baby-daddy” or “baby-mama”?

- ask yourself how you can support your ex to be the best parent he or she can be without having to control the situation?

- make the decision to learn strategies to co-parent together — it may mean you have to go to a class or a therapist together. There are many great options.

- this one is the hardest, but if you can do it, you will feel great. Concede, even when you are in the right and realize that when you are not dug into a position, but instead flexible and kind (even when he or she is not!) that it’s better for your kids.

It takes a huge gulp of humble pie to do it, but afterwards I almost always feel liberated, light, and free. In contrast, as I’m kvetching over the whole thing before I’ve decided what to do and how to handle my feelings of massive consternation and guilt, I’ve got a massive pit in my stomach and a weight on my shoulders

I hope these guidelines provide some comfort to you the next time you are bemoaning the fact that you had children with your kids’ other parent - together or not.

© 2008 Alexis Martin Neely

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include everything in quotes with it: “Written by Alexis Martin Neely, mom, writer, speaker and Personal Family Lawyer. Alexis makes it super easy for your family to talk about and  plan for sticky subjects like money, death and taxes. Get Alexis’ humorous, enlightening, and often quite revealing “Family Wealth Secrets” at: www.FamilyWealthMatters.com.”

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Last week I wrote about how to save your relationship and as promised, this week - if you just can’t save the relationship (or don’t want to) - how to divorce in the best way possible.

The number one best piece of advice I can give you is to get your divorce over with as quickly and easily as possible. These are words that are much easier said than done, so let me give you some information that can actually help you do this.

1. Try not to use a lawyer.

Now this may sound awfully strange coming from a lawyer, but the truth of the matter is that traditional lawyers are incentivized by their hourly fees to keep your divorce going much longer than it has to and that’s not in your best interest. As an alternative, consider mediation services such as Peace Talks, http://www.peace-talks.com/, or if you are going to use a lawyer, consider using a collaborative lawyer - you can find one at http://www.abetterdivorce.com. Best of all - resolve as much as you can yourself and then use a lawyer just to document the agreement you reached together.

2. Let go of the things you think are important to you.

One of the most difficult parts of my divorce was making the decision to move out of my house. My house was the perfect house for me and I really didn’t want to move out, but I knew if I stayed and fought, it would create a lot of pain for everyone. And, when I really considered what was more important - the house or my freedom - I chose to let go of the house (and everything in it), even though it felt really difficult at the time. All of the “things” were easily replaceable. The relationship with my ex-husband and kids could have been irrevocably damaged had I decided to stay and fight.

One friend of mine, a former Microsoft employee who had made oodles of money while working at Microsoft, gave it all to his wife during their divorce, trusting in himself that if he made it once, he could make it all again. He says it was one of the best decisions he ever made.

3. Don’t take anything personally.

Whether you are the one who wants the divorce or not, it’s going to be painful. There’s just no way around it - separation hurts. Try not to take anything that the other person says personally. It’s not about you; what you are witnessing is their pain. The more you take things personally, the more you will stay embroiled in the fight. If you can let go of everything your soon to be -ex says, you will be much more able to reach a resolution and move on. Do everything you can to appreciate the person you are separating from. Trust me, I know it’s hard, but it’s worth it.

Each of the three steps I’ve talked about are really hard work. So, why do it? Because it’s much easier than a long drawn out fight that could cost you your relationships with your children, your -ex, and even yourself. For me, once my divorce was final, my creativity and my joy exploded. It was as if some part of me was holding back it’s full potential until I was free of my old relationship. Think about the cost of fighting - not only the cost of lawyers and forensic accounts (which are substantial!), but also the mental costs. I can assure you, that whatever you are fighting about - it’s probably not worth it. Let it go and get on with your life.

Dedicated to Your Family’s Well-Being,

Alexis

P.S. We have two new folks at Martin Neely & Associates that you’ll want to say hi to next time you stop in the office. Jill Ganger is our new office manager who comes to us with an IT and Management background and she is going to help us create new systems and processes that will make the firm run even better and Elaine Williams is our new paralegal coming to us with years and years of trusts and estates experience and a great attitude, we are so glad she’s here.